~ A Mother's Job Is Never Finished...and Is Never Easy..

 We look into the eyes of our newborn babies and we quickly forget the pain and aches of pregnancy. We tightly but gently hold on to the new bundle of love that has been placed in our hands. We cry over the miracle of the human being and the responsibility that we have been blessed with. We eagerly greet the few sleepless nights with excitement and recharge in the morning with a pot of coffee. We are cuddling, cooing, rocking and singing our gift to sleep. We wake up if we aren't awakened by cries during the night, only to find the precious one sleeping and we stand there in total admiration. Nothing melts a heart faster than a sleeping child. We are run into the ground. We are surround by colic, sickness, tummy aches, teething, insecurity, baby talk, bumps, bruises and latch key. We also experience the joys of the first words, crawling, the first step, which grow into big things, like first grade, first crushes and heartaches. We keep a constant vigil over our gifts, we try so hard to make sure that avoided hurts are detoured, we kiss the boo boo's, we comfort, we remain strong despite how strong the storm. We try to teach them right from wrong, but must ultimately understand that in the end the choice is theirs. We spend nights on our knees praying that God will show himself to them and make it real. We spend nights worrying about the little things in their lives that are so big.
There was a time in my life when being a mom wasn't what I felt I was. I resented my children and constantly felt that I failed and there for why try? I would like to think that my children never felt that, but we all know that they pick up on the littlest of things. That was many years ago and since than I have loved being a mother. I still fail in so many aspects of what I think I should be to them. I have tried to be selfless yet being strong and bull headed for them if that is what it took. I am learning that there are going to be somethings in their lives that I will have no control over. I won't be able to kiss the boo boo better. I will be there to pick up the pieces and provide guidance for the situation. I will be the mother who will fall into bed in tears when a girl breaks my son's heart, or answer the door with a baseball bat when the boys won't leave my daughter alone. I will be the mom who is there to dry the tears, to teach strength when it seems that there is none to be found. I will wear my title proudly, and I will stand for what as a parent I feel is right, for not only me, but for my gifts

~Listen, Learn & Love For Lupus~

What is Lupus: Lupus is referred to as SLE(systemic lupus erthematosus) and is an auto-immune disease that takes on several forms and can affect any part of the body, but most commonly attacks the skin, joints, the heart, lungs, blood, kidneys and brain. 
Autoimmune diseases are characterized by a malfunction of the immune system one in which the immune system cannot distinguish between the body's own cells and tissues and that of foreign matter, like viruses. Rather than simply producing antibodies to attack antigens (viruses, bacteria and similar foreign matter), the immune system creates auto-antibodies that attack the immune system itself.
Symptoms of Lupus:

• Fever
• Malaise, or general discomfort
• Joint paint
• Muscle pain
• Fatigue
• Skin ulcers, lesions and rashes, most significantly malar rash, commonly called butterfly rash.
• Anemia
• Iron deficiency
• Cardiac issues, such as pericarditis, myocarditis, and endocarditis.
• Pleuritis and other lung inflammation
• Renal issues, including painless hematuria or proteinuria
• Seizures

 So having said that, lets move on. Upon my personal research I have found that the FDA has not approved a drug in 50 years that is directed in managing lupus. To me that is astounding, the swine flu gets more attention that an incurable auto immune disease...

Heather's Lupus Journey:
I promise I wont sit here and bore you with ALL the details but just some of the symptoms and issues I have encountered.  
Mornings are the worst. Climbing out of bed seems more like the dreaded chore of scrubbing the toilet, you don't want to do it , but you must. Joints are stiff and achy, sometimes they feel somewhat locked into place. The pain to me is like someone taking a nail and hammering it into your joints or in your bones. I am currently beginning to experience loss of muscle strength. Tell me how you would feel if you pulled the muscles in your hand and up your arm from opening a pickle jar?! I often wake up with a severe "morning-sickness" type feeling. For the last two weeks I have been struggling with severe headaches, often reaching 8 on the pain scale. I often wake up with the start of a new headache in the mornings. Foggy, my brain and cognitive skills are so diminished in the mornings. Recently been waking up with swelling, mainly around my eyes. And the fatigue is unreal. I have never known the true meaning of being dead dog tired until now. Some days just doing the dishes does me in for the day. I try to do little things a lot, so that there is a lot to do. But the house is slowly slipping into the dark abyss of filthiness. 
A very new symptom for me is the behavioral mood swings & depression. :( I find myself swinging like a monkey on emotions. One minute I am ok and the next I feel irritated, anxious, sad, grumpy....One minute I want to talk to my husband and the next minute I want him to disappear. One minute I am crying uncontrollable and the next I am yelling about something that needs to be done. One minute I feel strong and the next I feel helpless. I am locking myself away in my house for this is the place I feel safe. Never in my life have I been surrounded by some many that love me and all the while I am sitting there looking at them, while they look at me, and tell myself....the have no damn clue. Beside some hair loss, weight loss, and some rashes, nothing looks wrong. I can imagine that people often think "you don't look sick". My daughter's teacher recently made the comment to me about how wonderful I looked. I just smiled and said thank you. Inside I thought "she has no idea the hell I went through to be here today" Just when I think that I can handle what I am going through, like the gastro issue, something new happens. One upon another the symptoms keep coming, and the Dr's answer is that is the Lupus. I am currently on the list to see a specialist, the list was 6 months long. December 13, 2010 I will arrive to the person that they feel will help me in this situation. I will admit that some days are better than others, and I love those days! When it comes to feeling and emotions, that is another day, another post, another time.