Speaking What I Cannot

I find myself trying to protect myself from my own family. Trying to disappear from everyone, wishing that they would all just leave and let me go.Due to significant medical issues my life feels like a lost ship on the Bering Sea. Seems that this issue has touched not only my own life, but is greatly impacting the state of my family's well being. My husband is under a tremendous amount of stress, the children are watching mom try so hard not to waste away but it is slipping out of everyone's control including her own.  The house is a bit messy and some days down right gross. A housewife quietly tries to do the dishes and all the while murmurs to herself that she must do the dishes, and even if that is the only thing she gets done today, they must be done. A wife calls to her husband, after soaking in a tub of lavender Epsom salt trying to soothe the aching bones, because she is to weak to get out and can't afford the possibility of falling. I go to bed at night and pass out before I even hit the pillow only to wake up in the morning feeling like I haven't slept for a week. Than the day starts again, staring at a house full of things that need to be done, tears falling down a face when surrounding by should be, have to be, need to be, not getting done. Curling up on a ball on the couch spending countless hours on the computer because I am so lonely I don't know what else to do. Lonely while at the same time pushing people away because I don't want to hear nor see the disgusted looks on peoples faces, when i choose to stay in my pjs and my hair is a mess. Longing for the man that says he loves me to tell me I am beautiful in my worst moments, but so tired of emotionally waiting. On the days I do choose to take the precious time it takes to fix myself to what the world sees as acceptable, I am so tired by the time I am done, that I undo all the work by melting into the couch for the nap that I hope to restore my energy. When I do venture out into the world to do those things, that absolutely cannot be left unattended I find myself longing for the comfort of my little place on the couch. I feel like people can see the disease that has plagued me. I feel like I don't belong out there. I feel uncomfortable out in the world. In another way I feel like I am envious of the girl with long, luscious hair, with a big smile on her face. The woman that is working to help support her family, the girl going to school, the ones out playing sports and able to be active are the ones I look at and wonder why I must sit here and wait for my turn. I pray and heaven's doors feel closed, the tears go unheard, the steps go unseen. I long to be in church on Sunday morning but know that getting ready will wear me out and driving will be dangerous in the state of weariness I am experiencing. The days are getting longer, the month shorter, the time more unbearable....tears only speak what I cannot....