Confusion

It's been a long while since I have put my thoughts to "paper." I have tried to hold them in  and work them out within myself before I let them out. I can honestly say that they are not anymore worked out than they were before. I am struggling with several areas in my life but have maintained the attitude that "this to shall pass". Sometimes decisions are made on emotion and not carefully thought through. Sometimes you reach a point in your life that thinking seems to influence your decision in a negative way. Follow your heart is what they say, but your heart doesn't always know what is right for you. You can want something with all of your heart, but that doesn't mean that it is the right thing, or that it will work out. I know what I want in my life and the only person that is holding me back is me. I have dreams and ambitions that not everyone else understands but than again who cares what they understand. I have tried to live my life caring for others, and yet I seem to hurt everyone that I love. I have given of my cup freely and yet it sits here empty. People take and take and yet for some to give a morsel is asking for blood. I have come to a point in my life that I must reevaluate my life and the choices that I have made to this point. Life is something that must be worked at. Happiness is a choice. Loving is a choice that opens the gate for pain. You can love with another with all your heart. You can only be true to yourself and hope that another will love you for the person that you are. Love you with all your imperfections and find the little things in life to love you for. You are not supposed to busy yourself with the petty things in life that bring no positive influence in your life. You are supposed to fight for what you love. What if the fight in you is gone? What if you are not sure that it's something that you want to fight for? When is the line drawn for how much you can give of yourself? Every girl dreams of that fairy tale and often times life hypes up those dreams and yet there is no one who can fulfill those dreams. So is this because we dream to big? Is it that we want something that is virtually impossible? We cannot change a person into whom we want them to be. We have to love them for who they are, what they do and what they believe. Compromise is a talent that must be learned and respected from both parties. Words should never be spoken in hurt, promises not made to only be broken and feelings understood and not trampled on. Working every moment, living for the moments. Careful consideration taken for what another is going through. Not focusing on only yourself but your family in it's entirety. Taking it day by day and not filling today with the worries of tomorrow...

~My Kryptonite~

I took a walk around the world to
Ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere
In the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark
Side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah
You called me strong, you called me weak
But your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I
Never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if
Not for me then you would be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my
Superhuman might
Kryptonite
-3 Doors Down- Kryptonite

Happy 2011....

Its here...and I am not where I wish to be...

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We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.  ~Stacia Tauscher

~Lovest Thou Me More Than These?~

Love is defined by Dictionary.com as 

• a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person,
• a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
• a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
• affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.

As we live in the modern day, love, is a term that is thrown carelessly around to portray our strong feeling towards something or someone. What once took time to earn, it is now given with no heart felt feeling. Than when the time comes to portray how feelings, we lack a better word. We give love to those things that cannot provide any emotional support to us. We love food, possessions, movies, cars, books, songs, etc...yet none of these can return the feeling. We love addictions...internet, alcohol, drugs, sex....yet these addictions only take us down the road of eternal doom. We love our possessions, and yet these things can disappear quickly and these "things" provide only temporary comfort. We place faith in those things we love and are often heart broken and distraught when these things fail to bring us continuous happiness.  
The Bible mentions "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends". If I lined up all the "friends" that I have, how many of them would lay down their life for me? I can tell you that I can count them on one hand. While we proclaim to love someone and do things that we feel communicates this feeling, do they have faith that we as a friend would make the ultimate sacrifice? 
Love is a word that express feeling and meaning, that have been bunched into one word when all other words are seemingly inappropriate to express what we are feeling. Although words are kind to the ears, actions are food to the soul. With words so carelessly thrown around, actions are the backbone to the communication that we use.
So lovest thou Me more than these??? 

~ A Mother's Job Is Never Finished...and Is Never Easy..

 We look into the eyes of our newborn babies and we quickly forget the pain and aches of pregnancy. We tightly but gently hold on to the new bundle of love that has been placed in our hands. We cry over the miracle of the human being and the responsibility that we have been blessed with. We eagerly greet the few sleepless nights with excitement and recharge in the morning with a pot of coffee. We are cuddling, cooing, rocking and singing our gift to sleep. We wake up if we aren't awakened by cries during the night, only to find the precious one sleeping and we stand there in total admiration. Nothing melts a heart faster than a sleeping child. We are run into the ground. We are surround by colic, sickness, tummy aches, teething, insecurity, baby talk, bumps, bruises and latch key. We also experience the joys of the first words, crawling, the first step, which grow into big things, like first grade, first crushes and heartaches. We keep a constant vigil over our gifts, we try so hard to make sure that avoided hurts are detoured, we kiss the boo boo's, we comfort, we remain strong despite how strong the storm. We try to teach them right from wrong, but must ultimately understand that in the end the choice is theirs. We spend nights on our knees praying that God will show himself to them and make it real. We spend nights worrying about the little things in their lives that are so big.
There was a time in my life when being a mom wasn't what I felt I was. I resented my children and constantly felt that I failed and there for why try? I would like to think that my children never felt that, but we all know that they pick up on the littlest of things. That was many years ago and since than I have loved being a mother. I still fail in so many aspects of what I think I should be to them. I have tried to be selfless yet being strong and bull headed for them if that is what it took. I am learning that there are going to be somethings in their lives that I will have no control over. I won't be able to kiss the boo boo better. I will be there to pick up the pieces and provide guidance for the situation. I will be the mother who will fall into bed in tears when a girl breaks my son's heart, or answer the door with a baseball bat when the boys won't leave my daughter alone. I will be the mom who is there to dry the tears, to teach strength when it seems that there is none to be found. I will wear my title proudly, and I will stand for what as a parent I feel is right, for not only me, but for my gifts